


Another Love

by balladofasadcafe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Hurt, Finding Love, Flatmates Yamaguchi and Tsukki, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:40:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/balladofasadcafe/pseuds/balladofasadcafe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Living with Tsukishima was like walking on the thin, sharp rope. The feeling of how high he was from earth was breathtaking and the cuts under his foot were the altar for his own blood. There was no guarantee that he would not fall in the next step, yet he kept walking and walking. It was love maybe, maybe it was habit.</p><p>OR</p><p>Silly guys trying to figure out what to do with their feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dream and Deception

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I was listening too much Tom Odell, -as you can see from the title- then all of a sudden I remembered again how lovesick my Yamaguchi was and I wanted to punch Tsukki in the face. So here I am, for the first time, planning to pair my Yamaguchi someone other than his Tsukki. (Heheh take that Tsukki!) Call it a love triangle or rectangle! I haven't decided yet. But I apologize beforehand that it will be a little bit sad most of the time. 
> 
> Many thanks to my precious beta, katBelle, taking her time to help me build the story. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy to read it!

Living with Tsukishima was something Yamaguchi still couldn't believe. Even after almost a year of sharing the small flat together, there were times the freckled boy would wake abruptly in the early morning and rush to the next door. On these mornings, when the first rays of the sun turned the dust dancing in his room into glitter, the boy believed he was still dreaming and that Tsukishima being next door was an illusion. He would stand awkwardly at the doorstep of Tsukishima's room, not knowing what to do at first, and then slowly and cowardly put his ear to the thin wood. And each time, failing to hear any proof of something breathing inside, Yamaguchi would desperately proceed to the bathroom. A cold splash of water on his face would wake him to the present without any mercy, and then he'd see a toothbrush standing next to his own. It was then that the reality would start to sink in bit by bit. With each step around the flat the presence of Tsukishima would grow stronger. Yamaguchi would feel relieved when he breathed the strong aroma of Tsukishima's favourite coffee lingering in the kitchen, and his face would lit up seeing his favourite velociraptor embossed mug on the sink. He would start humming something cheerful and then dance back to his room with a glass of water in his hand to fall asleep once again, _smiling_.

 

It was still a vivid memory to Yamaguchi, the moment Tsukishima nonchalantly told him to share a flat in Tokyo together. Given that they were accepted to the same university, it was a natural thing to do for childhood friends.

“We can rent a flat together.”

Yamaguchi was immersed with some dorm pampleths when Tsukishima dropped the idea out of nowhere. His face was emotionless, giving no clue to read more than he wanted to reveal, but tips of his ears were whole another story.

“Ooh, that’s – that’s ” Yamaguchi stuttered, his mind unable to function.

Even after all those years of watching Tsukishima so close, keeping him dearer than himself, Yamaguchi did not dare to dream about such things. So the moment he heard the proposal, he had to take a deep breath to suppress butterflies coming out from his mouth.

It was a simple, ordinary and logical thing, yet for Yamaguchi - it was supernatural. Because even after becoming taller and stronger, enough that no bully out there dared to come near of him anymore, Yamaguchi was Yamaguchi. Somewhere around the heart, laid his insecurities, buds pruned off but the roots still remaining and mostly related to the matters of bond.

“I- Is it really alright for you Tsukki?” Nervous, Yamaguchi searched Tsukishima’s face for any indication of something, good or bad, whatever.

The thing was that the blond always kept to himself and there were still many times Yamaguchi could not guess what was really going on his head. _Like right now._

“Our parents talked about it and thought it is a good idea, as financial and –“ He stopped.  His gaze met with Yamaguchi’s turned into something spooky.  “Though if you dont want to --”

 “No, no! I mean, I want!  It would be really great to live together, Tsukki!”

Though they shared a road and school uniforms and a team, there were things they didn't share. Things that Tsukishima obstinately insisted on keeping inside, unopened, hidden. But the relief in his eyes, when he heard the freckled boy agreeing, - and making them a little honeyed much to the latter’s pleasure-, was pretty bare to Yamaguchi.

There was an invisible shield around Tsukishima's heart, and no matter how hard the smaller boy tried, he would always hit those walls. It was only when that shield was cracked, in small, scarcely visible places, that Yamaguchi would be allowed in for a tiny moment. _Like right now._

But then, didn't loving mean someone being there to fill the cracks?

 

The blond was his first friend, first savior, and first love. Sometimes Yamaguchi felt like he was losing his mind because of the overflowing happiness and how blessed he was to still be around of his moon. But even so, he was also struggling to decide whether this was a gift or curse. Gift because Tsukishima's breath was mingling in the air he inhaled. He could see his morning face. He could say 'I'm home' to him. He could share a dinner, watch a movie together. It was a gift. There was even the tiny bit of hope of, one day suddenly, it being alright for Yamaguchi to love Tsukishima openly. And the much tinier hope that, even if not to an equal extent, Tsukishima would reciprocate his feelings. They were things Yamaguchi dared to dream after they started to share this small world. And every single one of them was a gift.

And a curse because the closer Tsukishima was, the harder it became to suppress his desires. And there was still Tsukishima's indifference. To boys, to girls. To love. It was crushing Yamaguchi with its weight. Overall, living with Tsukishima was like walking on the thin, sharp rope. The feeling of how high he was from earth was breathtaking and the cuts under his foot were the altar for his own blood. There was no guarantee that he would not fall in the next step, yet he kept walking and walking. It was love maybe, maybe it was habit.

 

It was still alright -managing to live while going back and forth at the edge of happy and sad- until three months ago when he was greeted by Nekoma's former captain comfortably sitting in their living room, and kissing Tsukishima. Yamaguchi froze in the doorstep, while his heart was set on flames. He forgot how to form a sentence, how one greeted a guest- how did one greet a guest kissing a friend/secret love in their living room? On the contrary he felt like he was the guest intruding on an intimate moment. He wanted to dissolve into the air.

Later Yamaguchi would remember Kuroo laughing shamelessly while greeting him. Tsukki quickly freed himself from Kuroo's grip and muttered something like they were hanging out. Yamaguchi managed to say "Hi Kuroo" and "See you" though maybe not in that expected order before he fled to his room.

He knew Tsukishima had practiced with the Tokyo captains when they were in high school and that somehow they were on good terms - if one could say that - since then. But he never expected Tsukishima to be interested in Kuroo. But more upsetting than that was the thought that Tsukishima was romantically involved with someone and never cared to tell him. How long had they been together? Since the beginning of university? Since high school? The feeling of being left out was squeezing his heart between sharp knives. He didn't even leave his room for the bathroom.

It was later that night that Tsukishima came into his room to talk.

Not just to talk- to confess for his sins, whispered a little demon from the midst of raging hell fire in his heart.

Tsukishima's face was composed and stoic as always when he spoke. "It's been a week."

"A week-." Confusion pushed Yamaguchi into speaking. "For what?"

"Since Kuroo and I have been hanging out," Tsukishima replied evenly.

He didn't say dating, Yamaguchi noticed.

He didn't use the word dating, the demon corrected him gleefully before supplying a graphic replay of the kiss the two boys had shared in the living room. It was certainly more than just 'hanging out'.

All Yamaguchi could do to respond was gesture with movements of his head. He felt like he would vomit words otherwise. Words like 'Do you love him?', 'Does he love you?', 'I wish you told me!', 'I wish you trusted me to tell about you', and 'I wish.. I wish you knew how much I love you'. But he swallowed all of them. And each felt like rocks in his stomach.

Tsukishima did not say anymore. He didn't apologize either.

Like there was anything to apologize for idiot, said the demon. You apologize.

A shivering "Sorry Tsukki" fell from Yamaguchi's lips, just as always because, after all, he'd had no right to interrupt them. He was a little bit proud with himself though, because as a grown up, a man, he managed to fight back his tears. He even pulled off a cheerful "Good for you, Tsukki."

It felt disgusting on his lips though and tasted like venom inside his mouth.

Still, Tsukishima said nothing more.

Yamaguchi frantically imagined forcing Tsukishima's lips open and reaching for the words.

Why don’t you open your mouth, say something, come on, he wanted to shout.

His mind was a whirlpool. He wanted the blond to get the fuck out of his room, out of this city, this country, along with that bedhead bastard, and leave him alone. He provided one last smile and looked at Tsukishima.

Get out, he pleaded with his eyes.

Tsukishima looked pale. His glasses fogged for a moment and he got up quickly. Yamaguchi looked down at his comforter, embarrassed suddenly at the desperate emotions that had escaped his eyes, and the words that still wanted to crawl from his throat. He waited for the sickening moment to be over, waited for Tsukishima to leave, to hear the sound of his door shutting, but instead he heard a dispassionate statement.

"Kuroo and I won't bother you anymore."

Yamaguchi didn't register the words' meaning and let them slip away along with the soft thud of the door fitting into the frame. He wanted to vanish, to go back where he came from. He'd read once in one of Tsukishima's magazines that people are all made from star stuff. It was the blond's favourite article apparently because for months it stayed open to that page until Yamaguchi decided to read it. If he was a part of them, he wanted to crawl back to the stars. He wanted to be away from this world, this atmosphere. He strangled his pillow and slept like that.

 

By morning came a realization. There was one thing more important than the other things. By other things, he meant things like Tsukishima not being straight, like Yamaguchi not having a chance to gather his courage and confess, like Kuroo snatching his moon away, like his moon maybe, maybe, being in love with Kuroo - really in love with Kuroo. Those things were nothing. Absolute nothing when compared to the fear of not seeing Tsukishima anymore. The possibility of him leaving to live with Kuroo, leaving him all alone, breaking him into lonely pieces. He slowly grew accustomed to the idea of Kuroo. Kuroo being with Tsukki. Kissing him whenever he wanted. Holding him in his arms. Even making love to him. Suffering but hardy, Yamaguchi accepted Kuroo being there, if only because there were worse options. Suffering and hardy, with a post-war heart, a wreck, with ruined blood all over.

 

*** * * * * * ***

 

It had been three months yet Yamaguchi hadn't talked to Kuroo in person. Tsukisma was perfectly arranging it so that two never met. And that made Yamaguchi more comfortable than ever. The times Yamaguchi hinted to ask about their relationship the blond always changed the topic carefully. Therefore Kuroo and Tsukishima were a mystery to him. It had only been two or three times that Yamaguchi had been in the same place with Tsukki and Kuroo, and back then the only reason for it had been a gathering of volleyball teammates. He just observed them from afar, trying to look uninterested. Based on those and his previous encounters with the former captain, Kuroo gave the impression of a good person, a little posh, more than a little self-confident and playful, cool, and vivacious. He was like one of those Greek Gods, tall, pretty and made from delight. You could believe that a single sign from him could make hundreds go to war or that one wink from him could send you to the wonderland. He was capable and he was the equal of Tsukishima. Or at least, that was what Yamaguchi made himself believe.

 

Sharing dinners became rare, Sunday breakfasts haphazard, quick and forced, and movie nights were replaced by Tsukki going out with Kuroo. But Yamaguchi was getting used to it. Hardy and suffering. Because Tsukki was still there. With him. And that was enough.

There were things that could accelerate the adjustment process, like filling the voids Tsukishima created with something else. Getting a much more time-consuming part-time job for instance. Being an IT student, Yamaguchi was lucky that there were many positions that he could apply. So there he was, on a super hot Friday afternoon preparing for an interview. He checked his reflection on the mirror for the last time. Since the company was a disputed one, he decided to wear a suit for a change. He wore the dinosaur patterned tie that Tsukishima bought him for a bet, that Yamaguchi would never dare to wear something like that. He wore it on the first day of the university, and it still made his heart jump with joy remembering Tsukki's pleased and not-sad-for-losing-a-bet-at-all face. It had served as his good luck charm since then. He tried to tame his bangs once more, but gave up and left his room in a satisfied mood. This would be a nice day, he thought.

 

"Umm, Tsukki do I look alright?" Yamaguchi stood up in front of Tsukishima, who was deeply involved with the latest issue of National Geographic.

"You're wearing a suit?" Tsukishima looked over his glasses. His eyes caught the tie and Yamaguchi didn't miss the way Tsukki's lips curled into a small smile.

"I wanted to leave a good impression!" Yamaguchi declared with excitement.

"It's not like you'll lose if you don't wear a suit," Tsukishima said adjusting his glasses. "Though it looks good on you."

"Thank you Tsukki." It was another good luck charm hearing Tsukki say that, right?

Tsukishima stood, so close that Yamaguhi's nose almost brushed the blond's chin, and lightly adjusted his tie. They stood there like that for a while, Yamaguchi’s cheeks getting red and red every second, until the disturbing persistence of doorbell invaded the living room.

"Oh, it's time I get going." Yamaguchi rushed to door handle while trying to put on his shoes. "Did you order something Tsu- oh."

The man on the other side of the door was not exactly a deliveryman.

"Doorbell was about to break - Oh ho Yama lookin' so sharp!" Kuroo chirped, helping himself inside.

"Hi Kuroo," Yamaguchi managed a greeting with a suprise. Even though he was doing alright getting used the idea of Kuroo, now that his smugly pretty face was inches away, he couldn't stop his anger and sorrow growing in his stomach.

"You're early," Tsukishima interrupted, face scarier than ever.

"Hello to you to Tsukki." Kuroo winked at Tsukishima. "You're lovely as always."

"I told you not to come until -"

"Umm, I better go." Yamaguchi interupted, passing right to Kuroo. "Have fun!"

"We will!" Kuroo waved back happily and earned a smack on his head. “Arghh - that hurt Tsukki!”

"See you Tsukki," Yamaguchi said averting his eyes.

"See you," Tsukishima murmured, still tense. "Do your best!"

 

It was not a good day at all, Yamaguchi screamed glumly as he ran out of the apartment. Walking down on the street, the world seemed lacking something very important. Like its color.

It was the worst. No, perhaps only a four on a scale of ten. Because he could imagine the worst of the worst. Everything was almost perfect until that guy showed up. Almost. His dream of pretending. His getting used to it.

He slapped his cheecks. And recited.

Forget that everything was a deception. Start again. Dream once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking till the end, next chapter Oikawa will be introduced hopefully!


	2. Broken Hearts Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching the older man’s face, all of a sudden, Yamaguchi was taken aback that it was also possible for people like Oikawa to be in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! It is almost two months, I'm so sorry because I am such a lousy and slow thinker :/ We have Yamaguchi and Oikawa meeting in this chapter, hope you enjoy it! *Loves*
> 
> ps: this was not completely betad, so I'm sorry if there are mistakes with grammar or typos.

If it were possible for the weather to show a person's feelings, it'd be lightly raining right now. A suffocatingly hot day, gracing every single drop arrogantly and making the earth to beg for more. Like teasing the rotten mankind, never giving the relief of icy touch on the face. Slowly and torturously, it'd be raining.

That was how Yamaguchi was feeling even though the sky was clear and the sun was about to set, gentle and caring, as if it was one of the best days of the spring. Not that the interview went badly. He could even assume the manager liked him. Maybe wearing a suit was a good idea after all.

Even so, he could not shake the feeling of dark clouds possessing his heart, coloring his blood black. Each thump sent poison all over his body, making him scared again and again until he postponed going back to the apartment once more.

So there he was instead filling his time sitting in the park, on the verge of indecisiveness, watching the city change its colors. It was definitely more relaxing than the idea of returning to the flat and witnessing the possible unwanted intimacy that might welcome him there. It would not take him more than three seconds to pull that kissing scene from the darker depths of his mind, even though it was fading and eroding. He did not need to be the spectator of the second act. For the sake of keeping his insanity in terms.

The city was packed with life, and Yamaguchi felt the invisible warmness of faceless people out there.  Just like him - doing their bests to stand on their feet, failing most of the time but being brave enough to try once more. It seemed less lonely.

His hands mindlessly took the candy bar from his jacket pocket, and looked at it as if it were able to give him some comfort.

“There should be more movies, you know … about unrequited loves. So that people would not get the wrong idea, and mistakenly dream about happiness.”

Great! He was trying to make a conversation with a candy now! Nevertheless, he felt better.

This pink, strawberry shaped candy was one of Tsukki’s favourites when they were child,  but they hadn't been sold for years.. Seeing the object on the display, Yamaguchi already paid for it before realizing.

There was something with this dazzling object, making it special, its ability to come from back. He imagined Tsukki’s suprised face supressing a genuine joy, which he would decipher without an effort.

 

As he was deep in his imagination, he almost did not realize a small box suddenly falling in front of his feet.

It was only a voice called to him, he became aware.

"Heey, you there! You in the suit! Sorry, hand me that please, will you?"

“Uhhm, yes” Yamaguchi responded to the voice, as he held the box ,  – how could a small box this heavy? – and stood up to face with the owner.

Even with the big reading glasses and half of his face is blocked by the carton boxes he was holding, Yamaguchi knew the guy immadiately. His words turn into a suprised "O-Oikawa-san!"

One did not meet a Grand king everyday in his life.

"Ohh my,” Oikawa jerked his face up, now focusing on the man before him rather than the well being of the box Yamaguchi was helding onto.

“Karasuno's pinch server." He stated confidently.

"You remembered me! Yamaguchi it is. Yamaguchi Tadashi" Yamaguchi chirped quickly, lightly blushing.

"Now now Yama-chan, dont get ahead of yourself.” Oikawa laughed.  “It is because I have an excellent memory, not that you are someone worth for remembering!"

_Yama-chan!_

It was strange, meeting with Oikawa Tooru out of nowhere and hearing this man he barely knew, insulting him with a stupid grin on his face at the first thing he said.

Even so, Yamaguchi could not help but smile. For the first time since he’d gotten out of his home. "I didn't claim so."  

"Gooood! It's a virtue one's knowing himself." Oikawa grinned wider with a surprise, as Yamaguchi put the small can on the top of the cardboxes Oikawa's carrying on his both hands. "Thank you for that!"

"Shall I help you with those boxes?" Yamaguchi could not help but suggest.

Oikawa's eyes lit with the offer, "Oooh, it is also a virtue that one completes what he is lacking with other things Yama-chan, you are all welcome to."

Yamaguchi smoothly take the top two boxes into his arms trying not to make anything fall as he replayed his new nickname in the back of his mind with amusement. "So you are moving or ?"

"Yeah, these were the last things" Oikawa said, as he sighed with the relief of Yamaguchi rescuing him from extra weight.  “Its not that far from here, just two blocks away after the park.”

Yamaguchi nodded, and started to walk beside the man.

“So why are you wearing a suit?”

“I had a –“

“Ahh besides it is lamest tie I have ever seen Yama-chan! Did nobody warn you before go out” Oikawa interrupted without listening to the reply.

“S-Shut up!I love this tie.”

“If it were aliens, I’d understand, but dinasours?” The taller guy made a disgusted face which made him look funny rather than irritated.  “Though I know someone who loves Godzilla” He added after a while before going quite again as they walked.

There was something unnatural about that silence, abrupt and sacred and dangerous if it continued longer than enough.

“I had a part-time job interview?” Yamaguchi suddenly resumed from where he has cut off.

 Oikawa looked at him with a considering gaze and beamed “I bet you’ll lose”

 “No, you’ll see”

They both laughed then.

***

 

 The apartment Oikawa moved into was a nice building, actually in an elite neighborhood. It felt so different from the modest apartment he and Tsukki was living.

Yamaguchi astounded by how nicely furnished the flat was. It did not look like it belonged to a student living on his own.

"Your flat looks so exclusive Oikawa-san."

"Well because its owner is me!" Oikawa winked as he put the boxes on the floor.

Yamaguchi followed as he did.

“Thanks for the help Yama-chan” Oikawa smiled.

“Oh, it is nothing!” Yamaguchi stuttured and smiled back. "I think I should go now."

"Huh going already Yama-chan? Let me treat you a drink first!"

"Oh it is okay really, you don’t have to!"

"Because the gentleman I am, I have to!" Oikawa suddenly took him by the arm and sofly pushed inside the room.

“You dont have to be shy Yama-chan!”

"I am not, I just dont want to be a bother."

“Now, now If you were, I’d already send you away. Just take a seat. Is juice okay?”

“Um, yeah thank you.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes curiously wandered around the around the room until he spotted the ridiculously large windows. He could not stop but walk there to see the view below. The windows actually opened to a small balcony, which felt like magical carpet floating in the air. Yamaguchi loved it.

"The view is amazing!”

"You really like here huh?"

"Yeah" Yamaguchi admitted meekly. “I hope you’ll have good memories here” he added quickly.

“Oh, thanks Yama-chan! Since you seemed fond of the balcony, lets sit there”

Now it was completely dark, and the below, city looked like a photography. Loud composition of moving lights. He found it totally weird once more, sitting in the balcony with Oikawa, the man almost a stranger to him, and still not being nervous. And finding the warmth radiating from someone other than Tsukki comfortable.

“So do you still play volleyball Yama-chan?”

Yamaguchi startled with the question and suprised to find Oikawa’s big brown eyes on himself. He felt embrassed as he was seen through.

“No, not anymore.”

“Uhh, What a waste”

“It was not that I was really good or anything.”  Dreamily staring off to the farhest point, Yamaguchi wondered if Karasuno was there. “Tsukki still plays though.”

“Tsukki?” Oikawa burrowed his eyebrows as if he was searching though his brain.

“He was the middle blocker?” Yamaguchi helped.

“Ahh that tall guy.”

“Yeah, he is my roommate now.”

“Really? Ahh I completely remembered now! He kind of had that icy look, like a cold blooded serial killer”

“Serial kill- Oikawa-saan!”

“Impressions are important Yama-chan.”

Yamaguchi wanted to hear about the impression that he left, but he could not dare to ask. Also Tsukki didn't seem like the best topic to talk about so Yamaguchi asked curiously, "Umm, Oikawa-san, why did you move in the middle of a term?"

 “Well Yama-chan, my roommate moved in with his girlfriend. So – “

“Ahh it is sad!”

“Yeah, I guess.. I stayed in our flat for a while but it felt much more lonelier..”

“I – I can understand that.”

“Is that so?” Oikawa raised one of his eyebrows, eyes  turning cold.

“I mean if Tsukki moved, I’d feel really lonely.”

Oikawa observed him silently for a little more after that, like he was searching for some kind of clue and then he suddenly started to shake his head like a child whose favourite toy was taken from him.

“Ahhhh Iwa-chan how dare you leave me to live with a girl. How mean!”

“Iwazuimi-san?”

“Hmm”

“He was really cool!”

“Yeah, it is my Iwa-chan we are talking about!”

He proudly nodded to himself first, then his face clouded.

"Ahhh, Yama-chaan, I still can't believe it!" Oikawa whined loudly. "You know, I tasted her cooking once. It was a disaster! Well, not that I'm a cook. But I'm way better than her! I bet Iwa-chan will get food poisoning and I won't be sorry for him at all. Hmpf. I mean, she can't even talk about volleyball. Can you imagine how boring it is Yama-chan?"

 “Aren’t you being too harsh on her, Oikawa-san?”

"Too much? Not enough, is more like it. The worst is that she has an awful taste in skirts! She may have long legs but that doesn't mean she can wear anything she wants. I would wear that skirt better." He started the declaration confidently but by the end his words quivered and broke under his quiet voice.

Just for an instant, the men’s eyes locked before Oikawa buried his heead between his knees. In that moment, Yamaguchi saw something in those brown eyes he shouldn’t be allowed. Something very vulnerable and horrid. He recognized immediately, the same expression he saw on his own eyes for every single morning for the last three months.

"You're in love with him," Yamaguchi sputtered the words without even realizing his lips were shaping his thoughts into a voice. His words sounded like a stranger's when they echoed back to his ears, cruel and natural. Only then with a shock he registered what he just said and he covered his mouth. Though it was too late to take them back now.

"Ah... I mean," he mumbled then, forcing his brain to make up some logical reason, as Oikawa slowly raised his face, dumbfounded by what he just heard.

Feeling Oikawa's empty eyes on himself, Yamaguchi broke into a cold sweat and could not find the courage in himself to go on talking.

Oikawa's small balcony felt like a vast, timeless space for a long while.

 “I am in love with him.” Oikawa admitted blankly then.

He rested his head on his knees again, but this time he did not hide his face but slowly closed his eyes.

He looked like a painting, Yamaguchi thought, magically came out of his portrait. One would not understand whether he was alive or not if it would not for his trembling eyelashes. Alive but hardly breathing. 

Watching the older man’s face, all of a sudden, Yamaguchi was taken aback that it was also possible for people like Oikawa to be in pain. Yamaguchi's belief was that it was only for people like him that suffering was brought to the earth for. The average people that blended into the mass of crowd, gray and blurred. The people no one would notice, the nameless everyday strangers that passed by and left without a trace. And then, there were people like Oikawa. Like sunlight on a rainy day, something that everyone turned their heads towards, something to take one more look at. Good at everything they did. Born to be admired.

Yet here was, the same Oikawa, sitting next to him, his face swallowed by the night, delicate and dejected. His big but gentle frame was emitting a melanholic tune and those nice long hands of him was only emphasizing the void that he was left to hug. In that moment, Yamaguchi thought about his own and those of this alluring man. He was really beautiful and he was not created to be sad. That was for Yamaguchi. 

"Here", Yamaguchi suddenly handed the candy in his pocket to Oikawa.

Oikawa opened his eyes after a little while, and stared at the candy with suprise. "Do I look like a child?"

"No,you just -” Yamaguchi paused. Should he allowed to talk more?  “You just look terribly sad."

Maybe he was getting ahead of himself, making the man he talked to for the first time in his life, confessing his unrequireted love for his chilhood friend, and then telling him he looked like a crap .

If he told him to get out of his sight, he had every right.

But that did not happen. Miraculously, Oikawa’s faced warmed into an unexpectable laugh. "Pfft and you look like a pervert!” 

Yamaguchi froze in the moment Oikawa’s head fell back and his eyes squinted with joy. So this was the first time he genuinely smiled. It was more than beautiful.

“Is the only way of comforting you know, Yama-chan?"

"Call me simple." Yamaguchi murmured blushing, feeling caught guilty of his thoughts.             

“So you always carry a candy with you!”

“No, I just happen to –“

Oikawa investigated the pink object with delight. "I bet this tastes awful"

"You don't have to eat it if you don't want to"

“Since you offered with pleading eyes, I guess I have no choice”

“Pleading?”

“Saying if Oikawa-sama does not accept this I’ll be very sad”

“Oh.. I guess it is true Oikawa-sama”

“Ahaha.. Thank you, commoner!”

Was it a delusion, or did Yamaguchi never laughed this much for a long time?

He wanted to comfort Oikawa, no matter what.

“You know, Oikawa-san, actually you are way better than me. I mean you know Iwaizumi-san is straight. But there is always that idea if he was not, you would be the only man for him.”

Oikawa gave him a confused look.

“Think about if he was not straight, and you were not even his choice. Would not that be the worst?”

“Oh, Is the experience speaking?”

Yamaguchi decided that it was only fair that he shared his secret as well, he nodded.

“Oh my Yama-chan, how lame can you get seriously. It is that Tsukki guy, isn’t it?”

Yamaguchi nodded once more his face hotter than ever.

“Oh my seriously!”

Oikawa stayed silent for a while, like he was actually giving a thought about which one of them was in deeper shit. Seemed he concluded as he slyly grinned, "Broken hearts club?"

“Huh?” That was not what Yamaguchi was expecting to hear.

“It is us, idiot.”

Yamaguchi could not help but giggled. "It sounds like a title of a really lame romantic movie."

"How dare you make fun of any romantic movie? Apologize!"

"What? No!"

"How dare! And for your information, there is actually a movie like that and I loved it okay!"

"Okay, okay. I am so sorry Oikawa-san. I sincerely apologize from you, from the movie and whole cast!"

"Good! You are nice puppy!"

"P-Puppy?"

Oikawa nodded with delight.

Oh this man, Yamaguchi talked to himself. But he was also more than delighted.

“Hey come help me with my practices”

“Huh.. helping?”

“By helping, of course I mean handing me the ball and such..”

“Ohh..”

“I practice weekend mornings, I’ll call you”

***

Walk to home was easy, comfortable. No worries on his shoulders. He cared less. About Kuroo. And Tsukki. It was almost shocking how Oikawa managed to turned his feelings upside down - or down to upside he should say. Yamaguchi even felt an urge to whistle.

His phone buzzed then. Tsukki.

“Oh, Tsukki, hello”

“Where are you?” Tsukki tssed through the phone, and continued without letting him answer “You are late”

“Ah.. It is because I –“ Yamaguchi stopped halfway through. What was wrong with him being late? He felt the same old tension creeping back into his skin.

Apperantly Tsukishima waited for him to continue, since the silence grew.

“Kuroo is not here if that’s –“ Tsukishima started.

“Ohh no, I mean it is ok,” Yamaguchi panicked suddenly.  “if he was there. I wasn’t ..”

“Oh.. Hey, can you.. “

“What is it Tsukki” He could not help but worrying. Once again.

“Never mind, just come!”

“Oh, Okay. See you”

He suddenly remembered it was Friday, and after 10, there was always a sale in Tsukki’s favourite bakery. His feet mindlessly took him there.

***

Tsukki was lying on the couch in front of the TV when Yamaguchi arrived.

“Hi, Tsukki”

“Oh, welcome.” The blond quietly sat up.  “How was the interview?”

“It was good.”

“Why are you this late?”

“Oh, guess who I met? Oikawa-san!”

“Huh? Oikawa?”

“I helped him a little to move and just stayed there a little I guess.”

“Is that so?”

Even though Tsukki’s face was indiffirent as always, Yamaguchi knew that he wanted to ask more, but waited for Yamaguchi to go on.

However this time, Yamaguchi did not feel like to tell more.  Instead he clumsily handed the cake box to the blond. “Ohh, here Tsukki!”

 “You don’t need to.”

Yamaguchi caught him by suprise appearantly, because Tsukishima looked happy all of a sudden.

The thought strike Yamaguchi suddenly and once more: It was enough. Just being able to see him smile.

Bare and natural. He felt somehow ulterior to everyone around Tsukki (including Kuroo) at that moment, even if it wasn’t for more than three or four heartbeats time- because this smile was unique and it was all Yamaguchi’s.

 There would not be a time Tsukki would smile the same way, like he was doing now. Small flushes creeping into his cheek, color of his lips, angle of his glasses comfortably sitting on his nose, brightness of his eyes. None would be same at the same time ever. So would not this smile. It was all Yamaguchi’s.

Maybe things were not as bad for him as he described to Oikawa earlier. Yeah, certainly. He already knew that all along the way all this time. Being with him was still good.

He felt sad for Oikawa then, who would not be able to share the same roof with the one he loved anymore. This feeling mixed with happiness and guilt.

“What are you thinking about? You look weird!”

“Oh it is nothing Tsukki”

“Umm.. Thank you.. for the cake”

Yeah, maybe things were still good enough as long as he was with Tsukki. He did not need more of it.

“You are all welcome Tsukki!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it till the end.. For the next chapter I plan to write from Tsukki's POV. Take care until tahat time.


	3. A Scientific Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The idea stuck to Tsukishima to the point where he was on the verge of losing his mind. A scientific experiment with two subjects, himself and Yamaguchi. And a tool which should be another human, a male human to be precise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! My apologies for making you wait so long, I hope you like this chapter! It's from Tsukki's POV aaand I listened this song a lot while figuring out his emotions. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJCZLKdd8ZI) It kinda suits him! 
> 
> ps: katBelle, thanks for putting up with me all this time.

Living with Yamaguchi was something Tsukishima never had to think too much on. (Or maybe, at first). Because Yamaguchi was there. Always. The times Tsukihima felt like he really needed him and the times he did not even realize he was longing for him. He was there. As thin as September mist on the windowpanes, and then sometimes suddenly, as strong as monsoon rains. If he needed to describe the smaller guy's existence with one word, (why? well using more words to describe a simple thing was a symptom of idiocy) it was natural. Like every natural thing that he was accustomed to since birth; his bad eye-sight, his strange habit of clamping his hands together when he was stressed, his joy of sarcasm, his favourite cake. So, it was that simple to live with Yamaguchi.

Therefore, he didn't hesitate for a second to offer to live together. The thing he wasn't expecting was Yamaguchi's overly surprised reaction. He misread it at first as a threat to his rock strong customs, and panicked just as the guy he was, as if someone had just announced his 9:10 morning train would never run again.

He felt blood rushing to his brain at that moment, and something ominous inside him talking with his mouth. "If you don't want to-"

Then came relief, with Yamaguchi's protest -of course he wanted to live with him- so quick that he didn't have the chance (or good luck one could say) to experience the depths of the fear.

And it was times like this Tsukishima usually wondered if that was the same Yamaguchi he knew, this guy in front of him, flushing with excitement like an elementary school kid. Even so, in the end he was not able to explain the unintelligible reason for the pounding in his ears.

But after a while, things had started to change in a scarily weird way. Like him wanting to touch Yamaguchi out of nowhere, to stroke his freckled face softly, brush his bangs aside, and even hug him. It hadn't happened before, with Yamaguchi or anyone else. Maybe it was a consequence of living together, maybe it was a hormonal thing that was simulated around this age... there had to be a meaning, a scientifically rational reason. Maybe... Tsukishima had never fallen in love and he did not believe in the existence of such feelings that would make you feel like you were someone other than yourself, a delusional creature constantly thinking about another. No. It was not happening, not with Yamaguchi, not with his only friend. Sure, he liked him. Just like he loved Akiteru, though maybe in a slightly different view. But this didn't mean it was anything romantic, or related to that business. He wasn't delusional…yet? Or maybe he was. Because sometimes he was finding himself imagining what Yamaguchi was doing at that moment, whether he was falling asleep in classes, whether he was having his lunch, what t-shirt he wore that day and that the very thought of these might mean love was scaring him to the death.

It became hard to live with Yamaguchi after that, being overly self-conscious, trying to control his actions, reading every gesture of Yamaguchi's. He then realized he never knew about Yamaguchi's interests regarding love. Was there anyone he was interested in? What was his type? Maybe, in just a very small percentage of possibility, Yamaguchi was having the same romantic feelings towards him. But then Tsukishima would deny every little thought, because psychology said that how you perceive things change according to your thoughts. It wasn't anything. It was just an uncontrollable desire of wanting to love Yamaguchi in an entirely different way, in which he could keep him in his arms and never let him go.

The idea stuck to Tsukishima to the point where he was on the verge of losing his mind. A scientific experiment with two subjects, himself and Yamaguchi. And a tool which should be another human, a male human to be precise. If he were to 'date' another man, he would be able to figure it out. If his feelings towards Yamaguchi were only hormonal, then he should feel same with another human. And if this human was male then Yamaguchi's views towards homosexuality would become clear. There was also a hidden motive; if he were to be with another person, how would Yamaguchi react? It was the best solution he could come up to test the waters and to understand the nature of those feelings he was harboring, without risking their friendship, and hurting him for no reason. Therefore the only thing that he needed was the tool, and that was how Kuroo came into their lives. As nothing more than a mere experiment tool. (Or maybe, at first). 

Kuroo attended the same university as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and was on the volleyball team as expected. He was pestering Tsukishima to hang out with him almost since the first day of the university, each time finding something new to offer. For Tsukishima, Kuroo was nothing more than an annoying acquaintance, although he respected him as a volleyball player. It all happened when Tsukishima finally accepted Kuroo's offer (on the 100th attempt!) to go to a cafe. Apparently this smug bed-hair guy 'had the hots' or something like that for him, which may or may not be equal to romantic feelings. Tsukishima never thought he'd be able to find his experiment tool so quickly, so he agreed to date with him without any hesitation. What could really go bad? He could observe the process and measure the pros and cons and then, when the time was up, he could dump him.

What Tsukishima failed to calculate was that this so-called-tool could have demands, desires, and was just another yarn of mixed emotions. It was his first kiss. He was not a stupid shoujo heroine to cry over a first kiss, but if he would have to kiss someone, he wanted it to be Yamaguchi, preferably on that night he'd found his roommate sleeping on the couch with Tsukishima's magazine over his chest. It was that magazine he had put on the coffee table, open to the same page for weeks, all for Yamaguchi to realize and read. He still felt embarrassed of how indirect he could be, but that was the best to be considered romantic. Even so, the brunette peeked at it seemed, if that silly smile on his face was any indication. It was then, he couldn't help himself and slowly puffed to Yamaguchi's freckled cheeks saying 'There are still dust on your face'. He should have kissed him at that moment.

He never planned to kiss Kuroo in front of Yamaguchi. It was awful and hurt more than enough seeing his shocked face. But at the same moment, something cruel woke inside him. A curious thing eagerly waiting for Yamaguchi to say something. To shout, preferably. 'What's the meaning of this', 'You can't be with him', 'I .. I like you' maybe. Shout and get hold of his arms and shake him until he realized that Yamaguchi was wanting him as well.

That did not happen. He quietly went his room. He escaped.  He left Tsukishima there. Alone with Kuroo.

It took until midnight to gain a courage to knock Yamaguchi's door that night. He immadiately regretted being there. It was the first time the brunette's eyes told Tsukishima that he was not welcomed to be in Yamaguchi's universe -even if it was for a short time. He told Yamaguchi then, turning his back -because his face was a mess- he and Kuroo would not bother him anymore.

***

It had been more than four months, and the experiment had already lost its purpose. He was worse off than he had been initially. Everything was a mess now, his feelings towards Yamaguchi, his feelings towards Kuroo, Yamaguchi's feelings towards him, Yamaguchi's feelings towards Oikawa. He had no idea how the hell Oikawa had gotten himself into this already fucked up equation. He was in the state of mind of a believer waiting for a sign, something divine, to move forward.

The phone rang then, giving him chills. The caller's name did not surprise him though.

'Babe, how are you? I am the best boyfriend ever, I found us tickets for the opening show."

"What show?" Tsukishima asked frowning.

"That DJ gathering you were curious about!"

For a moment, some warm liquid flowed around Tsukishima's heart. Still he kept his voice firm. "When?"

"So cold Tsukki, praise your boyfriend first!" a loud whining echoed after.

"Are you a dog?"

"If you want me to be?" Quickly recovered as it sounded, Kuroo happily went on. "I can bark! Woof woof wo-"

"Stop it Kuro, I said when?"

"It's this Saturday babe."

"Oh.. I- I'm supposed to go to a concert with Yamaguchi on that day…"

"Oh is that so." Kuroo's voice broke into a melancholic tone once more. Tsukishima could easily picture him pouting.

"Yeah."

"Well, it really is a waste. But guess you shouldn't break a promise." Seriously how could a man change his mood from sad to normal this quickly?

"Yeah."

"I'll talk to you later my sweet ho-"

"See you Kuroo."

Tsukishima rested his head on the arm of the beloved sofa. Actually he was really looking forward to going to that concert with Yamaguchi. Even though he had never listened the band, it would be a great change to see Yamaguchi's carefree smile - which was rare to see nowadays -, his blushing all over his face, and to listen to him accompany every single song like he was always used to when listening to his iPod while cooking - which was also rare nowadays. He was eagerly wanting to go, but some part of him was scared. Scared like someone who doesn't know how to swim would be, knowing he would be pushed to the pool in a couple of minutes. Because he did not deserve to see him, not after stealing away the things they share; the breakfasts, movie marathons, long walks at night. He was at fault. But it was also Yamaguchi's fault to an equal extent, for not voicing any of his desires, angers, or disappointments. It was the brunette's role to speak out in their relationship. He was the one to voice the unspeakable. Just like he did in the summer training camp in Tokyo years ago. All he needed was that kind of courage. But he was silent. Like a cold, sharp knife.

One more time, said the voice inside him. It was also becoming natural, Tsukishima feared, to hear this cursed voice this frequent. Even so, he decided. To trick Yamaguchi once more.

***

"Tsukki, I'm home!"

Not realizing how long he had dozed off for, Tsukishima opened his eyes to Yamaguchi's gentle frame. He smiled unwittingly.

"Where are you coming from, practice again?"

"Yeah."

The smile was erased quickly, and turned into a crooked gesture. "If you're this interested in volleyball, why didn't you join the team?"

"It's just a pastime Tsukki." Yamaguchi averted his eyes.

"Don't you think it takes a lot of time for just a pastime?" The inquiry gave the expected effect, and Yamaguchi squirmed in his place uncomfortably.

"I didn't realize."

"I bet that arrogant guy is using you!" It was not a question, but a statement.

Yamaguchi froze after that, and locked his eyes with Tsukishima's. They were cold, cracked, and sad somewhere deep.

"He is not! And I'm not a thing to be used."

Ahh, struck a nerve, Tsukishima thought.

"And he actually is nice, Tsukki, you know," Yamaguchi continued, his face warming into a soft expression.

"So you like to spend time more with him."

"Yea- Huh? More? What do you mean?"

"I mean... never mind."

"What is it Tsukki?"

"We haven't seen a movie together for months."

"Yeah, because-"

It's because of me, Tsukishima thought. Come on. Say it. Say it now. Say it and I – I'll kiss you. Tell you that I am a disgusting sly schemer, and that I love you.

"Sorry Tsukki!"

Tsukishima felt like crying then, and barely registered the rest. "We can watch one tonight."

"No, I have a homework," he quickly recovered. Just wait for the final, he repeated to himself.

"Oh."

Tsukishima took a deep breath and revealed. "Yamaguchi, look, I think I won't make it to the concert."

"W-Why?"

"It seems Kuroo arranged something, and he really insisted on it. So. I know we talked about it a long time ago..."

"Kuroo arranged…" Yamaguchi repeated with an uncharacteristic coldness in voice. He stood there for a while like he was wondering what those words mean. Realizing Tsukishima's eyes on himself, Yamaguchi startled and put a fake smile on his face. "Ahh..N-No problem Tsukki! It's not like you promised to go with me. I forced my desires on you…as always."

As always, hit Tsukishima more than Yamaguchi intended to.  "No, I wanted to --."

"It's okay Tsukki." It was not comfort. It was an order to put an end to nonsensical act full of pretenses and artificial smiles. "I-I think I forgot my books in the gym.. So silly arent I?" Yamaguchi stuttured as he turned his back and hurried to the door.

Take care, Tsukishima wanted to say, but the words could not come out of his mouth. Among the things Tsukishima learned so far, one thing was he wished ne never knew. That the back of Yamaguchi was really cruel.

***

The room was already dark, and silent like a long forgetten cemetery, dead and lonely. Luckily, there was someone loud that Tsukishima could call. 

"Tsukki."

"..."

"Tsukki, what's wrong?"

"Come and get me."

"Haah? What happened? Are okay?"

"I am okay. Just come and get me."

"I was about to go to-"

"Never mind then."

"Nooo, noo I'm coming."

This guy was a mystery to him. No matter how cold and indifferent he was, Kuroo was not affected a bit. He remained as lively as always. Tsukishima was sure he would be there before half an hour. He realized that he was that kind of guy. He was feeling guilty playing around with him like this, or maybe himself was the one being played around. It was all mess and he didn't care. He needed Kuroo. For the first time, not Yamaguchi but Kuroo. He felt a pain in his chest.

Kuroo came in out of breath. He'd run up the stairs, that idiot.

"Tsukki, what's wrong? Did something ha-"

"Shut up."

Tsukki slowly cupped Kuroo's face in his hands. Kuroo was not a bad person, he was gentle and caring. He was here for him, just when he needed him. Like Yamaguchi was. He never wanted to touch Kuroo like he wanted to Yamaguchi. Until now. Because he was certainly wondering how his lips would feel right now. While his dark worrying eyes were searching his to find a clue.

"Tsukki are you sure -"

Tsukishima silenced Kuroo with his lips. Just a small peck.

"Whooa- What was that? Oh my god! My baby bird just initiated a kiss."

"Stop it Kuroo. It was merely a kiss."

"No it was definitely a kiss! Ahh I am so happy. Hey."

"What."

"Do it one more time please."

"No."

"Please, I'm begging ya."

"First erase that disgusting grin on your face."

"I can't help it! It stuck."

Tsukishima kissed him once more, for real this time. Forgetting all the definitions, possibilities, and the facts. Just focusing on the warmness of the lips he was discovering. Forgetting what he really intended to do, what he really wanted to do, and who he really needed to. 

He was ill to the core and it was called Yamaguchi, that sickness eating him rotten. There was not an antidote. Only just when the fever hit high, Kuroo was the perfect ecstasy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading till the end! :) I think this is the one and only Tsukki POV in this story, but if you have any requests I am also open to them. I'm still figuring out the ending, so I'll be more than happy to hear if you have any comments about pairings :) 
> 
> Take care!


	4. It's all over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could hold your beautiful hands  
> And kiss your beautiful eyelids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i) I'm soo sorry it took more than 4 months to write a 3.5K chapter :((( I blame life-consuming phd courses and my miserable writing skills. It was your comments that made me finally finish this chapter! So thank you so much! Your support means a lot!!
> 
> ii) this is not betad, once it will, I will update it! I apologize for any mistake/typo.
> 
> iii) I originally planned this to be 5 chapters, but I could not integrate what I had in my mind into this chapter so we have a new chapter! I dont know myself if it is good news or bad news!
> 
> iv) this chapter was written [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqubMaRnnQU) on the infinite loop.
> 
> v) i also changed the fic as mature, not that there is an explicit scene, but just to be sure.  
> Hope you enjoy it!!

It is just a stupid concert, Yamaguchi recited. It is just a stupid concert. It is just a. Stupid. Fucking. Concert.

He suddenly halted, eventually realizing the dark alley he is walking for the god knows how many hours, and waited for the magic to work. Because three always worked like a charm, except it did not right when he needed most.

It was just a fucking concert, and Tsukki should have to go with him. He just could not back away in the last minute. Not when he said he would go, not in a promise way but more like his honey-colored eyes sparkling and his cherry-colored lips curling the smallest of the smiles way. It was just a stupid fucking concert; it should not be this hard to go with your childhood/best friend.

Yamaguchi cursed. Loudly. Only to swallowed by the all kinds of noise filling the background. He heard them all at once, and heard nothing at the same time. Voices mingled with the shadows behind the curtains of the dirty windows, ugly eyes of the crooked apartments.

He was feeling like one of those book characters at the moment. That almost-protagonist, the unfortunate side-kick shouldering all the shits of the world – he had his own share since childhood, didn’t he?-, with nowhere to go and no one to take refuge in, a very very miserable creature. In some point, all the readers loved him, because why not, oh such a poor little guy he was. They fantasized about him, painted him with glitters and smoothed every hideous corner of his, pampered him and corrupted in their own ways until he was born again as someone they molded. They made him someone he was not and worshipped him. Because people were just egoist bastards lusting after power and who was he to spare them from that joy of pitying him. And somewhere in the middle of the book as expected, he died. Because he had to. Because he was created to be killed from the start. They mourned for him, and made him immortal. Only for two pages though -- until the main character finally made love. And then, he was long gone.

No, Yamaguchi was not relating to that character, but he was him. He just hoped that he gave a good show whoever out there watching him. He cursed. Loudly.

He did not even realize that his feet unconsciously start to move him trough the labyrinth of the city, passing him by the blurry reds and greens. When he looked up again, he recognized Oikawa’s now familiar apartment with astonishment.  

It’s funny because it was only more than a month that pompous king was in his life, yet he was in his doorstep because he had no one to go.  There were friends, or fake plastic trees, as Yamaguchi most of the time referred them in his head, and they didn’t count. But why Oikawa did count, he had no idea. Yet, he climbed up the stairs to the fifth floor half wishing that Oikawa was not home and the other half begging he would be there to tell him he was such a child to be upset over something like that.

As he knocked on the door, Yamaguchi was already regretting --- how could he even think that there were two options, and that it was a mistake to come here. Though without him managing to turn back,  Oikawa's face appeared in front of him.

“Yama-chan?” Oikawa asked puzzled at first and shrieked with bewilderment as his eyes wandered on Yamaguchi’s face. “Did you climbed the stairs? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

Yamaguchi gave a lopsided smile as a response and looked up to the man before him like he was an hallucination. A perfect porcelain face on the outside, but little imperfections hidden to well to be discovered - together creating the cracks on the portrait. Fogged eyes, half-red eye lids, and bitten lips.

“Yeah, I guess” he replied after a while incoherently.

Oikawa gently pushed him inside to the apartment throwing bunch of other questions Yamaguchi could not register even if he wanted to.

It was just that his mind was stuck on that idea before like a broken record, the one about book characters. If Yamaguchi was that character, then Oikawa should have been the main character who passionately made love right after two pages Yamaguchi dead. But no. Hell no. The universe somehow really fucked up on the assignment, because this beautiful thing, - currently putting some water on the kettle and worriedly checking Yamaguchi’s face one a while-  was his ally, believe it or not. He also was also about to die in the middle of the story, it seemed.

Because at first he thought it was raining, Yamaguchi ignored the damp feeling on his cheeks, and then he remembered he was inside. He tried to put together some kind of explanation, but interrupted by Oikawa’s surprised yelp, he stopped.

“Oh my, are you crying?”

Am I crying, he tried to understand.

Before he realized, the rain turned into a downpour somehow and must be because he has no control over his body, the next thing he knew that he was wrapping his arms around Oikawa’s shoulders, so tight. So tight that he could feel it was real, he had someone to hold on, and maybe he was not some pathetic book character at all.

 

***

 

Oikawa was a generous person. He offered his couch –it already became Yamaguchi’s favorite thing, a vanilla-scented blanket and hot cup of tea that went perfect with Oikawa’s loud whining, “God that cold-hearted megane! What’s wrong him?” and all.

Yamaguchi mustered up a smile. It is just a stupid fucking concert, he remembered. And this time it worked.

 

***

 

“Oikawa-san, do you want to go with me – to the concert I mean,” Yamaguchi started, and quickly adding after “if you are free of course!”

Oikawa’s eyes lit with excitement.

“Finally Yama-chan” he puffed. “I was waiting for you to ask me to go that thing – you know, packed with sweaty people to stand on our feet for hours instead of having my beauty session. I’d love to!”

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes with a pleasure he didn’t try to hide, “God you are so annoying sometimes”

“Only sometimes?” Oikawa hummed raising an eyebrow.

Yamaguchi shrugged. “Yeah, because rarely you shut that big mouth of yours and one can be fooled with your god damn beauty!”

Oikawa’s mouth hanged open, then flush crept into his face, and he threw a pillow to Yamaguchi. “How” he asked with a demanding voice, “How can say that with such a straightforward face?”

“Maybe because it is truth?” Yamaguchi suggested, avoiding the pillow quite successfully. He was an honest guy.

Oikawa’s whole face became crimson red this time, and Yamaguchi couldn’t help but grin widely. Oh God, why did it feel this fun to be with this guy!

“Then why don’t you try to tell some of your truths to your giant megane crush, you know, like how beautiful his eye lashes and all”

Oikawa fluttered his eyelids in a dramatic way.

“Heyy!” Yamaguchi threw the pillow back at Oikawa and it seemed that it’s his turn to blush. _Dammit._ “When did I ever say something about his eye lashes?”

“You did not even stop!”

“Excuse me but let me remind you those pathetic two hours you graphically described Iwaizumi-san’s shoulders and arms? Or should I say --”

“That’s Yama-chan” Oikawa interrupted “whole another business”

“How is that so?”

“Because, you see, it is just for sports purposes, and all.”

They both laughed then, because it was such an obvious lie. It was warm and safe, and Yamaguchi thought it was okay to answer.

“I don’t know” he said at first. He was not really sure actually, but then words left his mouth without asking his permission, “Because - Because it’s been a way too long time, so I can’t tell what I see in him – truth or dream.”

Oikawa whistled. “God, so lame Yama-chan”

“S-Shut up.” He said blushing once more.  “Fucking sports purposes, right!? And why do you keep calling him giant, you are almost the same height!”

“Aww, now that wounded me Yama-chan~ How can you call someone with my beauty _a giant,_  totally non aesthetic word, you hurt me so deep.”

 

***

 

On his way back to home, Yamaguchi felt much lighter than before, all thanks to Oikawa. Tsukki wouldn’t come to the concert with him, so what? It was not like Yamaguchi loved him less for that reason, only that it hurt more than he can bear, a little more than his pain limit, but to hell with it.

He remembered their conversation earlier, about spending less time together. Tsukki being aware of that and being upset about it made his heart flutter suddenly. He’d said he had a homework, but maybe if Yamaguchi insisted little, maybe he could give up. The idea alone made Yamaguchi entirely recover.  

When he got back to the apartment though, it’s pitch dark. So he is outside, Yamaguchi sighed disappointed. Never the right time. And then he sensed, something out of ordinary, like a lion sensed the threat of a strong rival – Kuroo was there.

He exactly knew what he not to do with this information, so he tried as possible as he could to focus on his most important task. Still, less confident, he texted Tsukki that he was waiting for him to watch a movie and that he would even help him with the homework.

After two hours of waiting response though, Yamaguchi was even less enthusiastic. But he still hoped a little.

His phone never chirped. He tried to remember how he felt when he left Oikawa’s apartment – more hopeful and less sore, and forced any thought involving Tsukki and Kuroo together out of his mind. He failed both and opened the movie.

      ***

Yamaguchi was almost in the half of the movie sprawled on the couch, eyes hazy with sleep when he heard a voice at the door knob. Finally, he grunted. Though he had no right to. It’s Tsukishima’s business to decide to come home whenever he wanted. It’s only and only Tsukishima’s business to text back whomever he wanted to, too. Yet, he pretended he did not hear when the soft thuds of Tsukishima’s footsteps invaded the living room. He was at least allowed to do that, right?

“Hi” Tsukishima’s voice suddenly so close to his ear.

“Hi” Yamaguchi said back, jerking his body up awkwardly.

Even only with the light coming from TV, there was something wrong about Tsukki, Yamaguchi realized immediately. His almost too perfect face seemed disheveled with something the brunette could not decipher, and there were suspicious shadows on his face on more places than they were supposed to be.

Tsukishima quietly sank to the couch right next to Yamaguchi, and the brunette tensed like a scared cat.

“Are you alright, Tsukki?” His voice echoed weaker than he meant to be, but no less worried.

Yamaguchi did not know how to take the small shaky hum the blond gave him in return. He was about to ask more when more quietly and hesitantly Tsukishima put his head to brunette’s shoulder.

Words lumped in his throat in that instant and suddenly his heartbeats were all too loud. Like some delirious drummer decided it’s best to perform a show right there in his heart.

He was waiting Tsukishima to make some kind of explanation, any gibberish could be well approved given the situation, but it seemed the blond did not have any intention of talking any time soon.

What’s more was Tsukki snuggled just little bit closer, now his hair was tickling Yamaguchi’s neck in the most plausible – the softest, the sweetest and the most perfect- way and his left shoulder was more than hot where Tsukishima’s warm cheek pressed gently. 

All of his six senses awake and hypersensitive; for the second time Yamaguchi thought he was hallucinating. He thought if he moved an inch, the dream would dissolve into the dust. It was not that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima never touched each other – though for the last four months they were perfectly avoiding from each other – there were always hair ruffles, shoulder-bumps, high-fives, arms over shoulders. But this was certainly new, undiscovered in a way; clumsily and greedily trying to reach beyond it.

There was a noticeable silence except for the song the coming from the movie flowing on TV

_I could hold your beautiful hands_

_And kiss your beautiful eyelids_

 – and it was not unpleasant at all. It was familiar. It was missed. This kind of silence.

Yamaguchi could never imagine such a simple act can feel this intimate, making him vulnerable to all kinds of demolitions. Because right now, despite how deep he tried to keep those whirlwind of emotions, they were overflowing. It seemed that his body was failing to register why it is such a sin to run his fingers through that hair, or simply lean his head on the top of Tsukki’s.

There was definitely something wrong about Tsukki.

“So you’re watching a movie?”

Yamaguchi’s thoughts scattered around.

“Huh” he asked abruptly.  

 “Movie” repeated Tsukishima more like a whisper, word barely leaving his mouth.

“Yeah” Yamaguchi responded finally. “I waited for you like three hours, you know?”

He forced a chuckle just to break this weird tension roaming above them, and it did not help. If any, Tsukishima’s feather light hair buried into his neck even more from the movement of his shoulders.

“You waited for me?”

The bewilderment in the blonde’s voice took Yamaguchi aback. That’s not unusual, was it? Yamaguchi always waited for Tsukishima. It was a fact. Why did he have to sound so surprised?

 “Yeah” he confirmed anyhow. For years, Yamaguchi never got tired of telling the things that Tsukishima wanted to hear as well as the ones he did not want to. Because Yamaguchi knew, and still knows, it was only him that can voice them for him, even though he hasn’t been doing so for the last months. Not because he was tired, no, because was simply in pain.

 “Didn’t you see my text?” Yamaguchi said just to be talking and immediately regretted it.       

Because Tsukishima sat up suddenly, “What text?” and the sweet weight of his head left Yamaguchi’s shoulder. He watched in half surprise and in half curiosity as the blond quickly took his phone from his backpack like it is the most important thing to do.

Then, magically or miraculously as Yamaguchi would say so, Tsukki put his sunflower field head of his back to where it was with a soft thump.

Yamaguchi’s stomach jumped with joy.

He peeked through his shoulder, watched the blond getting through his messages, and looking the text longer than what it seemed a while.

 “I did not see it” Tsukishima finally said, something bitter in his voice. Then, he added with sincerity that Yamaguchi long yearned, “I would come. I would certainly.”

Tsukki’s voice was shy, sweet and tender at the same time, and also apologetic which shouldn’t be at all, because Yamaguchi knew. Even if some unimportant cases proved wrong. They did not matter. They could not erase what they had until now. And Yamaguchi knew that he has to say it aloud just like always.

“Yeah, I know Tsukki”

He felt Tsukishima’s smile against his shoulder, and Yamaguchi couldn’t believe how the day turned into something amazing. Something warm just the memory of it would keep him happy for weeks. He was grinning like an idiot as Tsukishima said,

“You know, about the concert—“

Yamaguchi did not want to hear about that concert anymore. And he could not let it come between them once again.

“It’s okay Tsukki!” he chirped. It was far from the tone he used in the morning. It meant, this time.

“You know, I can actually –“ started Tsukishima, only to be interrepted again.

“Just go have fun with Kuroo, Tsukki! Don’t worry about me! Actually, I think Oikawa-san will come with me! Right, so it’s okay”

Yamaguchi only wanted to set Tsukishima’s mind at ease, to peel any guilt from him, so he did not understand why when Tsukishima’s head leave him once more and for sure, this time.

He was baffled and blankly stared at Tsukki’s face which was now full of something Yamaguchi could not decide between rage, disappointment and betrayal. It was maybe a terrfying mix of them, and the brunette’s had no idea how he stirred that expression from the blond.

“So you just ran to Oikawa and asked him at the first chance, huh”

Yamaguchi opened his mouth and closed, because he is thoughts were too much of a mess to respond, then it was too late. Tsukishima already shut the door of his room loud enough to make him jump in his place.

Yamaguchi stared at the void for a while on the verge of crying and laughing like an idiot, oh such a poor guy he was indeed. It was how living with Tsukishima was, right? He remembered to shut the long ignored TV, and then gave an insane salute to his faceless readers.

 

* * *

 

 

The moment he stepped in Kuroo’s bedroom, Tsukishima knew the experiment was over. That it was not a game anymore. It’s been until now -for him, not for Kuroo definitely- and he was feeling guilty about it. God, there were too many things he was feeling guilty about or rather he never felt anything but guilt, anger and despair for the last months.

 Right now, it’s too much real to handle. Especially the bed.

Kuroo kissed him. Countless of times. He kissed Kuroo, too. They made out. He knows what was there to know about Kuroo, not everything but, that stupid grin when he looks at something he hold dear, or his surprised face when Tsukishima says something good about him, or his troubled smile with which he looks at Tsukishima when he thinks Tsukishima is  not aware, and Tsukishima always was aware.

It was not all vain, this experiment. Tsukishima learned now what it was to like someone. Literally. Enjoying the meaningless moments together. Feeling a soft blanket of affection hiding him from the harms of the world. These were not new to him though, he knew how they taste, every single one of them, because of Yamaguchi. And that was why he thought for a long time that the thing he was feeling towards Yamaguchi was not that special if he was able to feel them towards Kuroo as well. And for that reason, he concluded it was not something romantic.

Yet deep inside, he guessed it was. 

Whenever a thought of kissing Kuroo crossed his mind, it was Yamaguchi’s face he imagined. It was beautiful than anything in the world, his eyelids slowly closing and lashes wandering around the stars on his cheeks. He could kiss him without even stop to breath. It was because of that, he was never be able to initiate a kiss with Kuroo. Until today. And the thought of kissing Yamaguchi , it never left his mind to begin with.

No. The experiment was already over an hour ago. In that exact moment when he finally understood what he felt really mean as he was waiting Yamaguchi to tear him into pieces, and worthless experiment of his. That, and because he never wanted to kiss him that bad before, like it’d feed thousand year’s hunger. It was instinctive, animalistic and it hurt.

It hurt more when Yamaguchi said sorry. For the millionth of the time. And the weight of undeserved sorry’s broke him.

Someone has to mend him, so that was why he was shamelessly still with Kuroo, nodding blankly as he went on,

“Isn’ this a bit fast! I mean it’s not for me – I’ve been wanting – God I’ve been wanting this for a long time Tuskki! But you know, it’s the first time you kissed and now we are about – “

He knew it was sick to play with Kuroo and playing with himself like they were a pair of toys, they were made of plastic. He might be to some degree, but Kuroo was definitely not. Not with his eyes sparkling with excitement, his cheeks scarlet and that fond smile that Tsukishima feels the most guilt about.

Someone has to mend him, Tsukishima reminded himself as Kuroo’s stripping his clothes. Maybe he could even go on playing this game; he could even live his life playing his game. Though, he could not stop his body from shivering. He was feeling like his soul was about to crack open carelessly, and he was terrified to death for Kuroo to see what’s inside. Inside was rotten with all kinds of insecurities, cowardice, and greed. If there was someone, that he should lay naked with, his body and soul, there was only one person he trust himself with his whole heart without being ashamed of himself.

He was really the most stupid. There was only one that could mend him, it was the one that broke him.

He looked at Kuroo’s newly troubled eyes, all the sparkles from before now died away. Tsukishima wished that there were some other words than sorry that were enough to mean how wicked he felt.

“I am –“ he started.

“I know” Kuroo interrupted. “I just thought – I could not believe but I hoped.”

“Sorry” Tsukishima somehow completing his broken sentence with a shaky voice. “Hit me, please. Beat me until you forgive me.”

Kuroo gave a sad smile.

“Naah - I am a nice guy, you know. “

“I know.” Tsukishima whispered. He was about to make some sarcastic comment when Kuroo’s fingers brushed his cheeks, then Tsukishima realized how wet his face was.

“Shh - It’s okay.” Kuroo hushed him, and lulled into the peace of the dark room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unneeded note: i am soo deep into stucky (steve rogers/bucky barnes) nowadays, and i entertain myself with the idea that how tsukki could make a great cap america and yamaguchi could make a really hot winter soldier - pony tail and everything- as appearence-wise. though character-wise we could say that it's the opposite!
> 
> Take care until next time! Loves!


	5. Nothing's gonna hurt you baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby
> 
> As long as you are with me you’ll be just fine”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo! I'm back!!
> 
> I'm so sorry for making you wait almost 5 months, I know I'm the worst. But let me tell you, phd is a total hassle. Thanks a lot to everyone that commented and helped me finish this.
> 
> I also thank tumblr user [somethings-out-of-place](http://somethings-out-of-place.tumblr.com/) , without her beta-ing I wouldn't able to finish this soon!
> 
> This chapter was so hard to write in many ways, I hope they are not OOC and I won't dissappoint you. 
> 
> Finally, chapter title is from this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2LQdh42neg)

 Yamaguchi did not remember the last time he felt this free. They were bathing in the soft colors of the everlasting music, he and Oikawa, the earth moving under their feet, and everything seeming so delusive, impossibly light, simply dreamy. There was something reassuring in the way that their hands softly touched each other’s, telling him nonetheless that it was okay to feel, to submerge himself in the emotions.  

Tsukki had become even more distant after that night, the perfect example of how things could become worse when everything else was going just fine. They were greeting each other like complete strangers since then, and Yamaguchi was feeling reluctant to take the first step to break the so-called-ice because of Tsukki’s irritatingly formal attitude. _So be it, Tsukki._

He quickly evaded the depressing thoughts, which were always seemed to be rooted from the same infamous blond; so he turned his attention to the older man beside him. As soon as his gaze wandered around the beautiful features of Oikawa – now amplified even more by the vivid shadows, he felt incredibly okay.

He could love this man. This incredibly cute almost-giant - swaying on his feet like a little kid and right at the moment, who was looking at Yamaguchi, eyes full of imaginary promises. Just like in the song,

_“Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby_

_As long as you are with me you’ll be just fine”_

And Yamaguchi was desperate to believe those were what the fireworks in Oikawa’s eyes meant.

_“Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby_

_Nothing’s gonna take you from my side”_

He was cursed. He was overcome with the  unworldly beauty of a careless smile that were pulling him down into the depths of a nameless sickness and leaving him amazed.

Yamaguchi could go on immersing himself in such thoughts forever, disoriented and enchanted, diving into the foreign depths of the dark brown eyes. Though the subject, apparently quite pleased with the effect he had on the younger man, did not let him, leaning closer and startling him in the process.

“Yama-chan why are looking at me like that?” Oikawa asked, voice more than loud enough for a concert. “Are you falling for me?”

Yamaguchi felt his cheeks burn with the question - which was the silliest reaction ever, because it was not like he was falling for him and it was totally unrelated that he was musing with the idea of loving the man just a second ago.

He felt the warmness spreading to his ears and his chest with an uncontrollable speed as the annoying – and absolutely not mesmerizing, not at all - naughty smirk on Oikawa’s face was growing each second he did not answer.

Yamaguchi was more irritated than nervous - just how dare he asking such embarrassing questions with a face smug as ever- so Yamaguchi went ahead and stuttered, voice just as loud as Oikawa’s, “M-maybe.”

That was worth it. Seeing the stupid grin freeze, only to be altered by a sweet little pout and cheeks coloring in rosy pink for whatever reason. The freckled man barely heard Oikawa muttering, “How blunt,” as he dejectedly turned his face away from him and began taking a freakish interest on the stage all of a sudden.

 _Oh man._ He could definitely love Oikawa.

Just as he loved Tsukki - not with a delirious passion though, no. That passion was what all first loves are for, maybe. But with an unhurried fondness and gratitude – for the eternal summertime sky he carry around with. He could easily count little things to love too, like making fun of his ridiculously perfect hair or waking up to his soothing smell. Oh, and the smile; disastrously distracting and captivating. Because it was rare and ephemeral, stirring up some obscure feelings inside Yamaguchi and urging him to do everything and anything for that one smile to find its way to those lips.

It was just that he was so used to loving Tsukki, he didn’t know how to love another. How can you break a habit and replace it with a new one? Would it happen suddenly; you woke up one day and suddenly not loving the man or would it happen gradually and quietly so that he would not even realize he already fell out of love?

Yamaguchi did not even realize that the concert had already ended and felt stupid when he did – like it did not matter to him at all when compared to Oikawa.

When Oikawa offered to stay over, Yamaguchi simply silenced his inner, most embarrassed voice telling him that he should not be involved with Oikawa that much and complied with anticipation.

 

***

 

Yamaguchi woke up to the luscious smell of coffee and to something acrid which most likely meant that something had burnt (probably to ashes), and he could not help smile. If his mind was little bit clearer, he could have sensed that it was not a laughing matter but rather freaky that he was slowly replacing his black-coffee flavored mornings with these too-much-sugar filled ones. It felt welcome and unbelievably safe. So, he just indulged himself in this fluffy fogginess blanketing him and let the uninvited images of Oikawa last night find their ways behind his eyelids. All kinds of Oikawas, but mostly the imaginary one telling him that he’d be alright.

“You know, I might start to think you like my couch more than you like me!”

The warm bubble Yamaguchi had immersed himself in suddenly popped, making the freckled man open his eyes wide with fear. He eyed his perpetrator suspiciously, like man caught red-handed; looking for possible signs of Oikawa’s hidden mind-reading talents. “A-and that might be true” he agreed, voice awkwardly loud.

“How mean Yama-chan”

“Smells exquisite” Yamaguchi quickly commented as an attempt to start a fresh conversation.

“Oh shut up” Oikawa pouted at first, then grinned in a dangerous way.  “You don’t need to be this stingy because I woke you up in the middle of your indecent dream~!”

Yamaguchi face immediately flared with the darkest shade of red, _Oh shit_. “I - I was not –“

“Hehehe, got you!” Oikawa laughed as the devil he was.

Yamaguchi groaned, falling back to the couch with a soft thump and hugged the pillow, “Why do I even tolerate you?”

“Might be because I’m the most beautiful and brilliant man?”          

“No, you are just a narcissist nerd,” Yamaguchi shot back, voice muffled by the pillow.

Oikawa harshly took the pillow from the arms of the freckled man then, and instructed, “Just get up already you lazy bum”

Yamaguchi groaned loudly.

 

***

 

Breakfast was fun. Since Oikawa’s attempts at making pancakes resulted in mostly inedible and weirdly shaped –” They were supposed to look like space-ships, Yama-chan!”- objects, Yamaguchi had to make a new batch of them. To the freckled man’s surprise, Oikawa loved them to the degree of declaring they were his new favorite food, Yama-chan’s pancakes.  Slightly embarrassed and unexpectedly happy, Yamaguchi found himself promising the man that he would be making some more in the future. They ate in a companionable silence, gazes meeting halfway awkwardly once in a while .

Despite Yamaguchi’s protests, Oikawa insisted on walking him back home since he had nothing to do. “Who knows, you might find yourself in my doorstep again!” the grand king concluded the argument with the arrogance that only he could have.

On their way back to Yamaguchi’s flat, Oikawa skillfully avoided talking anything related to Tsukki, or so Yamaguchi thought gratefully. They were talking about nothing and everything all at once, not necessarily paying attention to their surroundings, conscious of each other only.  

Everything was just so perfectly mundane that it scared Yamaguchi, reminding him that they were just a couple of over-fragile souls. And because of that damned fear, he missed the first detour to avoid Iwaizumi and the girl with him coming across the street. _Damn._

Yamaguchi quickly scanned Oikawa’s face with terror and not to his surprise, he saw the chocolate brown eyes lost their rich color but filled with something somber. Something very familiar to Yamaguchi, because it was born from loathing, anger and jealousy.

However, Oikawa’s voice sounded as sweet as ever when he greeted the couple like it was the most fortunate coincidence. Oikawa was the scariest when his honeyed words did not match the look in his eyes, Yamaguchi noted.

The pair, mostly Iwaizumi, seemed surprised with this unexpected encounter as they greeted back.The girl was almost as tall as Iwaizumi, neither over-confident nor shy, but Yamaguchi could say that she looked proud with Iwaizumi by her side. He knew and Oikawa sensed it too and that was all the more reason the freckled man just wanted to take him away from this scene.  Though the latter had no intention of leaving yet, it seemed.

“What a lovely skirt Ran-chan” He complimented the recipient of his ominous feels as though it was nothing.

“Ah, thank you Oikawa-san.”  The girl sounded genuinely happy as she looked at Iwaizumi with pleased eyes. “Hajime liked it too”

Oikawa flinched upon hearing the first name so casually; Hajime, he repeated in a whisper like  a voice tasting the sound of the word, lips slightly trembling. Then, he flashed one of his famous –and the most fake- smile.  “Iwa-chan surely improved his sense of fashion!”

Iwaizumi, surprisingly quiet since greeting, looked like he was trying to bore a hole in Oikawa’s face with gaze as sharp as ice. He opened his mouth and then closed it awkwardly – almost as if he was trying to restrain himself saying something he shouldn’t - and finally he growled with somewhat anger, “Oikawa, what do you think you are doing?”

Oikawa’s eyes widened with surprise, smile faltering halfway, “What do you mean Iwa-chan?”

“Just open your damn phone when I call you!”

“Ah you mean that,” Oikawa let out a small sigh. “You always call when I am the busiest Iwa-chan~”

“Then call me back Trashy-kawa!” Iwaizumi seemed genuinely upset if his fragile expressions were any indication.

Yamaguchi felt Oikawa squirm with discomfort next to him, probably because his Iwa-chan was already getting under his skin and making him feel vulnerable to any hints of affection.

“Geez, Iwa-chan please don’t call me such names in front of Ran-chan” He mumbled, trying to pull off an apathetic attitude despite the state he was in.

“I can call you whatever I want” Iwaizumi shot back, almost dejected.

“Oh such a bully Iwa-chan”

The tension was almost visible, and the poor girl’s eyes were moving back and forth between Oikawa and Iwaizumi worriedly.  Yamaguchi, just as nervous as Oikawa and just as worried as the girl, couldn’t bring himself to say anything at all, holding the older man’s hand and drag him away -- mostly because he was scared of interrupting something he did not have place to.

“We should really talk Oikawa” Iwaizumi remarked in a serious tone.

“As you please Iwa-chan!”

“You better be at home tonight -- ” Iwaizumi started only to cut off by the girl,  “Oh, Hajime you know that tonight isn’t convenient! We promised to watch Rumi-chan’s recital, remember?.”

Oikawa gave a knowing look to Iwaizumi which was mockingly saying, _see_ and the former ace flinched angrily.

“It  is okay Ran-chan.” Oikawa said in his usual sing-song tone, now completely recovered to his shatterproof mask.   “Iwa-chan and I can meet any time, right?”

Iwaizumi did not answer and turned his head in the opposite direction, as the girl happily went on. “Why don’t you come to dinner Oikawa-san? That’d be great”

“Oh, what a great offer! I’d be pleased!” Oikawa chirped.

“Perfect! Then we’ll let you know Oikawa-san, right Hajime?”

Iwaizumi did not answer but nodded slightly, no longer looking at Oikawa and still slightly angry.

Yamaguchi sensed that, Iwaizumi’s anger’s was mostly towards himself rather than Oikawa.

Suddenly girl screamed with hurry claiming that they were almost late, dragging Iwaizumi in the processing and giving them almost no time to say goodbye.

It felt like a little storm came and past them.

 

***

 

“Oikawa-san, are you okay?” Yamaguchi hesitantly asked, even though he was not sure whether it was the best idea to break the silence. It had been more than five minutes since  Iwaizumi and his girlfriend had left, and Oikawa and Yamaguchi were still standing in the middle of the street awkwardly.

Oikawa, who hadn’t answered right away, suddenly said, “Of course I am!”

 _Of course, he wasn’t._ Yamaguchi was racking his brain to come with something distracting, anything to just shake this possessed air around the older man.

“You know Yama-chan,” Oikawa started, making the freckled man jump with surprise, “I suddenly remembered that I had to go somewhere. You know the way back, right?”

“You said you had nothing to do today, Oikawa-san?”

“Oh, it is just –“, Oikawa paused, realizing he hadn’t thought through his lie.

“I am coming with you.” Yamaguchi interrupted in a flat voice.

“It’s better if you don’t.” The older man’s voice sounded bitter, in perfect harmony with the bitter color of his chocolate brown eyes.

“I don't care.”

Oikawa didn’t say anything after that, just started to walk back the street they’d passed with hurried steps. Yamaguchi quietly followed behind, trying to match his pace with the older man’s. He could not help but think about how similar they were; he and Oikawa, because they were both ridiculously shaken by the sight of their one-sided-loves with their loved-ones, yet keeping their smiles intact no matter what.

Yamaguchi, no longer keeping track of the street they had been passing, was almost losing the sight of the older man as he suddenly stopped in front a clothing store and stepped in hurriedly. It did not quite strike Yamaguchi about why the hell would Oikawa would need to visit this shop, and that was a woman’s shop on top of it.

There were several other men besides them, so it was not that awkward until Oikawa changed the atmosphere around him with his every step. He was going through the aisles like a mad man, ignoring the employees that offered help, even going as far as to pushing them away.

That was not very like Oikawa, being rude to the people he did not know, so Yamaguchi, who was just as baffled as the employees, began giving them apologetic nods as he tried to follow Oikawa. _Just what he was trying to do?_

When he finally spotted Oikawa, he saw a kind of familiar piece of clothing that the older man was holding onto. While wondering where he was familiar with a lemon-yellow skirt, as odd as it sounded, he realized the disgusted look Oikawa giving to it. Ah. _Ran-chan_. With that connection, Yamaguchi could not find a time to reach Oikawa before he stormed out to somewhere clinging to that thing like his life depended to.

Yamaguchi desperately looked for Oikawa among the changing rooms, once in a while calling out to him while doing as much as possible not to look like a pervert. It  seemed as if there was no trace of the older man.  The years might have done him some good, but Yamaguchi was the same worry-wart as he was before. Just he was about to ask for help, he realized that no one had been coming in or out of the furthest stall.

“Oikawa, are you there?” Yamaguchi asked with a hesitant voice, while intensely looking at the closed curtain like if he could focus enough, he could see through it.

There was no sound. “Just say something if you are in there, I’m worried.”

He heard a pained sob. That didn’t give Yamaguchi any relief like he needed, but at least it confirmed Oikawa was in there.

“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you here.”

Yamaguchi could not care less about the little racket they caused, but judging from the pitying looks the employees giving him, they were okay - somehow

After what felt like an eternity, - though it was really only a few minutes, to Yamaguchi’s disbelief - the  curtains of the stalls moved a little bit, then came Oikawa’s muffled voice.

“Yamaguchi?”

“Yes!” the freckled man almost shouted with concern.

The curtains moved a little bit more which Yamaguchi took as an invitation, so he carefully slid in, feeling alarmed, as if he was intruding upon a divine ritual.

Oikawa was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees like the little kid he sometimes acted like, but it was far from the merry person that he was last night, and Yamaguchi hated everything that make those eyes red – and wearing that damned skirt.

The younger man felt tears welling up in his eyes as he sat on his knees; and his hands reached for the setter’s delicate face hesitantly and with a tremble, as if he was waiting for Oikawa’s consent.

Oikawa seemed to not pay attention, so Yamaguchi gently wiped the remnants of tears with the tips of his fingers, tracing the salty water slowly and caressing the soft cheekbones. He could not help but admire how handsome the man was, even in a state of ruin,

“Oikawa-san, are you okay?” His voice cracked, even though Yamaguchi had the intention of looking brave.

“Well, look at me. I am wearing a skirt,” Oikawa murmured averting his eyes. Yamaguchi gently placed a wild lock of hair behind the older man’s ear.  

“And you look so damn good in it”

“You don’t need to lie,” Oikawa protested weakly, looking directly Yamaguchi this time as if looking for the sings of betrayal.

“I never lie to you.” Yamaguchi said with conviction.

“And why are _you_ crying?” Oikawa looked at him eyes wide with surprise.

“I – I don’t know.” Yamaguchi touched his own his cheeks only to feel the dampness. _Why does he have to be so uncool in front of Oikawa?_ It was becoming a pattern already.  So he complained with all his might, “ You are so mean, you know, making me all worried.”

“Yama-chan, you are such a cry baby.”

Yamaguchi saw Oikawa’s lips curled slightly – only slightly – but it was already a better sight. “Says the man with mushy face,” he teased.

“Excuse you, my face is perfect.”

Yamaguchi laughed then, and no way he could not agree. “Yeah, it is”      

He waited Oikawa to respond him in the usual way he did, telling him he was blatant or something, but the setter surprised him with an unexpected question.

“Do you think I’m pathetic?”

It was awkward to hear that word coming from the older man, let alone associating him with it. “Why would I?” he asked honestly.

“Because I was jealous and as if – As if Iwa-chan would love me if I were to wear a skirt?”

“That’s nothing pathetic.”

Yamaguchi was not sure his tone was convincing enough, so he repeated. “You are not pathetic Oikawa-san and I think no men could look this beautiful in a skirt.”

Oikawa gave him child-like look then, eyes wide with surprise and mouth pressed in a firm line, and Yamaguchi was almost sure that he heard the man murmur “Geez, so shameless”.

They did not talk for a while but Oikawa’s features were softening bit by bit so Yamaguchi took the courage to ask, while pointing the skirt the older man’s wearing.

“Should we buy it?”

The setter looked at him with dead eyes, then turned his gaze to himself, eyes glowing with the newly blossomed tears. “Geez, never.”

“Then how about getting the hell out of here.”

Oikawa nodded obediently.

 

***

 

Under normal circumstances, it would be hilariously funny how they were walking each other to their respective homes, like a never-ending loop. But Yamaguchi only felt glad when they reached Oikawa’s door. The older man had been uncharacteristilly silent all the way back, which was expected given the turn of events, but even so Yamaguchi was not used to this kind of Oikawa.

As they walked inside the flat however, the freckled man faced yet another Oikawa he did not know as the older man harshly pushed him, his back colliding loudly with the door.

“Hey,” Oikawa whispered in a voice like velvet that enraptured Yamaguchi, and that made it easier for the taller man to firmly grasp Yamaguchi’s wrists.Trapped between the door and Oikawa, the older man seemed threateningly taller than Yamaguchi ever realized.

“H-Hey,” the freckled man stuttered, his mind unable to produce a coherent answer, as the older man’s face was coming dangerously close. He could feel warm breath on his lashes.

“Yama-chan, how about we love each other, right now?”

“W-What do you mean?”

“Don’t be so naïve. I mean let’s make love,” His grips on Yamaguchi’s wrists tightened little more.

“Uh – I don’t think it is a good idea.”

“Come on. You are virgin right? Let me change that.”

“That –“

“You can imagine your megane, you know.”

“And will you imagine _your_ Iwa-chan?” Yamaguchi hissed with newly boiled anger. It was one thing to hurt him pyschically but to hurt him emotionally was crossing the line. He wouldn’t let anyone do that anymore, he wasn’t a child. . “You know Oikawa-san, I might be a virgin but if someone would ever make love me, I would want it because it is me. So please, let me go. “

The freckled man broke free of the setter’s iron grip, and softly pushed him back, all the while looking Oikawa in the eyes, “And I’ll never think of you as some else even if for a second. “

The setter, baffled by the turn of events and slowly coming back to his senses, looked apogetically to Yamaguchi’s wrist which were now looking painfully red.

“I am sorry, I did not mean to-” The older man started, voice sounding genuinely upset.

“It is okay.” The freckled man interrupted. There was no meaning to making him sorrier than he was already.  “I went a little overboard as well with my lecturing.”

“No. You – you were right.” Such a king he was, defeated and wounded in too many places, bleeding all over the battle field.

“Come now” Yamaguchi tugged Oikawa by his shirt, waking him up from the momentary nightmare  “Let’s go wash your face.”

He silently lead the older man into the bathroom, and settled him on the toilet lid like he was handling a little child.

Oikawa, slightly purified from his dejected mood, watched with amused eyes as the freckled man searched for a towel and whined “Yama-chan is slow~”

He was literally a child.

 

***

 

It might be ridiculous, or rather embarrassing, he did not care – but Yamaguchi had never kissed in his 20 years of living. It was not like people were in line demanding to kiss him; that and there also was the fact that he didn’t even want to kiss anyone other than Tsukki.  Even so, it was a rather bitter thought that nobody ever wanted him in a way that he wanted Tsukki.

But right now, standing on his knees, slowly and carefully wiping Oikawa’s face, he was realizing that there were too many little patterns on this almost perfect face that he didn’t care to see before, and that there was something in the curves of Oikawa’s lips.  And that something was making him wonder how it felt to kiss Oikawa.

It would be utterly shattering, Yamaguchi guessed, as he shivered slightly before the painful image of the fallen king. The momentary delight of the setter had already been replaced with gloom, even though he was teasing Yamaguchi about how good servant he made.  It was too hard for Yamaguchi to predict what was going through the setter’s head, so a kiss might be the best way to read him, given the intimacy of the act. Yamaguchi wanted to see to see what Oikawa needed, from the depths of his soul, so that he could find it and give it to him, to whisper the words he needed to hear through the closest proximity of the lips.

Would he be able to taste the faint remnants of the morning coffee, mingled with all those unexplored aromas, he mused. Or rather, it would be such an extraterrestrial experience, in the magnitude of two planets crashing into each other with a speed so fast that it took his breath away..

Oh God. He really wanted to know.  That, and to free Oikawa from that unbearable weight of the wicked feelings hanging around him like a poisonous halo.

So he did. All he needed to do was to lean in a bit, anyway.

He did not feel anything at first, it all happened in the tiniest fracture of time. The kiss was nothing more than a feathery touch. Yamaguchi was lost in the beat of the unnerving thumps that took over his heart and he didn’t dare look into the eyes of the recipient of his sudden action, when they opened. And when he finally did look, he was wooed by the sight of the bliss.

Very surprised eyes, crowned with fluttering lashes, newly blossomed pink on the cheeks, and that mouth, indecisive between something innocent and lascivious.

Yamaguchi felt his insides filling with fear without completely registering why, but it was probably because Yamaguchi was afraid of the potential rejection. But then something happened. Something with a mythical significance.

“Oh,” Yamaguchi thought. _No one should be allowed to smile like that._ Spellbound and dumbfounded, the freckled man felt his lips curling upwards too, because such a contagious thing that Oikawa’s smile was - filled with foolish wisdom and child like wonder.

Without giving him time to compose himself though, Oikawa pulled the freckled man close. Yamaguchi felt Oikawa’s warm breath on his own lips. And it was then that he felt everything all at once, possessing him and engraving into him more and more every second. The torturous sweetness flowed into him. And yes, that barely there morning coffee in the midst of the delicate tastes overflowed.

It was neither mediocre nor glittering. It was peaceful, caring, enveloping, an oh-so-warm feeling that Yamaguchi could easily get addicted to. It felt like spring all over again.

When Yamaguchi pulled away, rather unwilling but he has to breath, really, Oikawa looked more annoying than innocent and slyly commented,

“It was good considering it was your first kiss.”

“Wha—How did -- ?” ” Yamaguchi, embarrassed with all his being, couldn’t even deny the truth, so he engrossed himself with bathroom tiles.

“So I was right,” the setter beamed with victory. “I like you all flustered like this.”

“It looks better on you though,” Yamaguchi shot back.

“Oh.”

They sat there for while, too flustered for their own good, and Oikawa suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“I was not imagining Iwa-chan, you know.” The setter declared all of a sudden.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened with surprise and his smile grew larger.

“Good.” he said, voice sounding happier than he intended to.  “Me neither.”

“What? You mean Iwa-chan?”

“No, you idiot. “ Yamaguchi grunted, _how could a man manage to look both innocent and cunning at the same time?_ “Want to cuddle?” he whispered, surprised to be able to form such a question.  

Oikawa laughed in delight then, looking at the freckled man in the eyes, promising him some more imaginary futures. Yamaguchi did not mind.

 _“_ Yes! _”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading Thomas Mann's Death In Venice, so I put my favourite phrase in here! Anyone detected xD? 
> 
> I'm [gorkyschildhood](http://gorkyschildhood.tumblr.com/) in tumblr btw. 
> 
> Take care until the next time and thanks and thanks again for sticking with this fic. You are all awesome!


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